An Exercise in Contemplative Journaling

What do I want from a PhD?

The truth is I don’t know…

To help students journey towards the way of discipleship? Yes.

However, I feel rooted in Nashville now, oddly enough. I don’t want to leave Tokens because there’s no getting back into that world once I leave.

But more to the point: I wonder if I feel connected, rooted in middle Tennessee or if I just don’t want to stretch out in the world—especially through PhD study. On the one hand, I love being near family and friends, professors and mentors. I feel useful to the kingdom through the simple act of compiling an index for Dr. Goode, or outlining an essay for Dr. Camp. But surely these types of things can’t last forever! On the other hand, I feel less and less called to PhD study. Though I wonder if part of that is just fear failure (failure in the application process seems certain). The GRE had me down; then I was up; but now, now I’m back down again and just deeply disoriented when I think towards my future.

I’ve always had the naïve idea that academic inquiry would somehow strengthen my spiritual discipline and devotion—though that has proven not to be the case. Part of me thinks that if I’m compelled to study, I’ll draw closer to God. I wonder if that’s even possible for me. Is my ego so strong that it will usurp every academic attempt to learn about God, theology?

Is helping Lee with Tokens more likely to do positive things for God’s kingdom then my studying for a PhD?

The Will Campbell in me thinks so.

And yet, I can see myself studying. I just don’t know towards what end. Teach? Preach? Publish? Wash feet?

Can academic training train one to wash feet? Can the music industry? Can publishing houses?

Undoubtedly, a PhD would help with things like the prison class at TPW should it fall to me to do that someday. And at the end of the day, I think that’s the reason to do a PhD. It’s certainly not required. But it could be helpful for getting attention with things like the VDS class and whatnot.

So I feel pulled in both directions.

Whichever path I take, dear God, pull me towards you. Amen.